GRAVITATE TO THIS CHAIN OF THOUGHTS Y'ALL

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Q da Gizzle
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Joined:Wed Sep 14, 2005 3:45 pm
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Thu Jun 14, 2007 8:28 am

REALM

That realm, o that realm

the pilgrim yearns for that trip to jerusalem

I yearn fr a trip to that realm

From where I could helm

My subconscious to the rambuctious

In-flowing of streams of thoughts

First in discords, distorted and scattered

Words to say them; plenty, topsy-turvy and splattered

Then when calm comes and quells the boisterousness

Words come filing out in sequence

Ink on pad

Painting pictures - lucid

Yet elucidating the disputable outcome of forensic

That realm only reached by minds steady, focussed and firm

Yet fickle like the weather above the baseball hat

Feeble like bubble in a baby bath

Easily lost, easy to perm

...And now, once again, back from that realm

Am so lifted, I want to write a poem.
Ghostic
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Thu Jun 14, 2007 11:16 am

[quote name="Q da Gizzle"]

Words come filing out in sequence

Ink on pad

Painting pictures - lucid

Yet elucidating the disputable outcome of forensic

That realm only reached by minds steady, focussed and firm

Yet fickle like the weather above the baseball hat

[/quote]

Dope words...

Welcome Gizzle,rep 9ja!

ONE!
kast1
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Thu Jun 28, 2007 3:24 pm

some of it was dope, some of it looked like you were trying to hard intricate words, if you threw some nice imagery in there, it would help as well,

dope piece, though i thought it had alot more potential,

welcome 2 ahh

peace
41Trippa
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Thu Jun 28, 2007 11:55 pm

This is a pretty nice piece but could be better. As Kast1 stated, you seem to have gotten caught up in the "big word" pit. Sometimes it better to avoid the "big" word and instead go for the effect. Sometimes it's better to pass on the rhyme and instead provide the reason. As a challenge to you, I would like to see you go back and make another rendition of this (oh, and please leave the original version so people can give some input on the change)! I think you can improve it.
Poetic Seraph
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Fri Jun 29, 2007 12:27 pm

I'm with 41 and kast, and looking forward to the changes :p

welcome to ahh
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