Me, the person within.

Moderator:Juma4admin

liquid fire
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Posts:167
Joined:Tue Aug 09, 2005 2:04 pm
Location:BW, Africa
Contact:

Tue Aug 16, 2005 11:46 am

im new to this forum, and i need your help to help me improve,

so please, give me feedback...

Me, the person within.

I'ma tell you about a certain person,

A living being within my body,

matter of fact within my mind,

His name is Me, not Liquid Fire, but Me.

Me is the guy i try show the world,

the good guy within my bad self,

the person you see when you look my way, ain't Me.

Me is locked in a cage deep in this mind.

Me lives in peace, livin a life of no crime,

When me walks this mind, he walks in silence,

tryin to make things right, tryin'a stop the violence.

He don't wanna see ambulances,

or hear the sirens,

out of all the niggaz in the hood, Me's the nicest.

Me dont sleeps with a mans wife he don't do no incest,

and he even insists,

we support the assaulted pregnant princess.

Thats good aint it,

but Me still has one problem,

a problem he thinks is to deep to solve it,

this is that he cant reach the world with the real,

coz he is trapped in body he cant control,

liquid fire wont let him live,

its a shame, Me is too deep within.

END
trusoul
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Posts:78
Joined:Fri Jul 15, 2005 10:00 am
Contact:

Thu Aug 18, 2005 1:07 pm

[quote name="liquid fire"]im new to this forum, and i need your help to help me improve,

so please, give me feedback...

Me, the person within.

I'ma tell you about a certain person,

A living being within my body,

matter of fact within my mind,

His name is Me, not Liquid Fire, but Me.

Me is the guy i try show the world,

the good guy within my bad self,

the person you see when you look my way, ain't Me.

Me is locked in a cage deep in this mind.

Me lives in peace, livin a life of no crime,

When me walks this mind, he walks in silence,

tryin to make things right, tryin'a stop the violence.

He don't wanna see ambulances,

or hear the sirens,

out of all the niggaz in the hood, Me's the nicest.

Me dont sleeps with a mans wife he don't do no incest,

and he even insists,

we support the assaulted pregnant princess.

Thats good aint it,

but Me still has one problem,

a problem he thinks is to deep to solve it,

this is that he cant reach the world with the real,

coz he is trapped in body he cant control,

liquid fire wont let him live,

its a shame, Me is too deep within.

END[/quote]

*********************

nice concept, your structuring does the poem a lot of good, still the vocab stunts the flow a bit, imagery very vivid, i got what you were saying

i loved it.

keep it up

much love!!

trusoul :) :) :)
liquid fire
Member
Posts:167
Joined:Tue Aug 09, 2005 2:04 pm
Location:BW, Africa
Contact:

Mon Aug 22, 2005 12:41 pm

Thanx trusoul, but other people please send your comments, good or bad critz! Holla!
rap oracle
Member
Posts:133
Joined:Mon Aug 29, 2005 12:15 pm
Contact:

Sun Sep 25, 2005 11:05 pm

tis a nice piece,jus work on tha bars.tryna make em flow together.tis a nice poem mate wit som bit imagery holla.....
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