The~Visit

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N.u.d.i.v.a.
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Mon Aug 15, 2005 8:58 pm

this something i did of recent,

creepin swiftly in a corner with darkness no light can shine,

he opens the door like acheing wound and trys to on the light

click! click!"damn its out! i gotta go find a match so i'd light on d lamp

as he trys to turn around,he paused like he just heard a sound

"oh,its just a mouse"he says,as he proceeds on towards a couch

then he heard another sound,tho aint comin from the storage now

hes heart beat increasin wit every step he takes as hes flaunder now

must be paulina,his wife,in the next room with another man

"damn,shes mistreatin me,thought id be out all night for d tournament"

"but she aint suppose to be home,her work's in the evening"

keep thinkin if his wife aint home then ghosts?"naw dont believe in it"

he held his neck chains tight cos it makes sounds as he was shivering

on reaching d door,could hear metallic sounds like bedsprings quivering

held the door knob while his hands is shaking like his feverish

he enters in and then sees wat made him being intercepted

its a man standing by the window much like demon infested

he becomes restless as the man is himself being manifested

"fear not! im jinn,n i come to take u home back to ur ancestors"

"for u hav been tested,nw would u come wit me?" then he says yes

he felt a sudden emptyness as something just passed out his veins

and watched d man walk away slowly like a lone dark cloud inserch of rain

to be continued...

feed back
theme elohim
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Wed Aug 17, 2005 11:31 am

s'thing different and intriguing, please continue it...definitely triggers curiosity

one love god
N.u.d.i.v.a.
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Wed Aug 17, 2005 3:44 pm

lol thanx for the feed back yall.apreciated.i'll surely complete the story,and wat got u confused??.any way,thanx once again.

more feeds pls
trusoul
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Thu Aug 18, 2005 1:03 pm

[quote name="N.u.d.i.v.a."]i'll keep that in mind,thanx.more feedback pls[/quote]

***************

something different, but cool all the same , i agree with addictive , the structuring is a bit of a turn off, work on that and the flow will work itself out, nicely done.

much love!!

trusoul
zero
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Tue Aug 30, 2005 12:28 pm

nice...finish the story...som'n wasn't quite right sha...dont know what...i aint good in that department...but i'm feelin the direction of the story...
rap oracle
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Joined:Mon Aug 29, 2005 12:15 pm
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Tue Aug 30, 2005 12:38 pm

you had me hooked for sure that i was crushed it ended,want tha continuation soon mate....its kinda different more like a short interesting story,loved it....holla
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