What I Wanted to Write

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Spinflip
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Sun Mar 21, 2010 8:13 am

Listen;

Today I was all set up to write a new piece

It was gonna be called "Coming up for Air" and it was gonna be sweet

About how, when things look bad and you think you might not make it through

There's always something good coming coming just around the corner soon

I was gonna be drowning in the ocean, but be able to stick my head up

And get a glimpse of the sun and sky and be filled with hope, but you know what?

Fuck it

I'm just not feelin' it anymore, if you know what I mean

I thought things were turning around, it really seemed

Like I was about to be able to get back up on my feet

And get my shit straight, but come on, now, please

It's like every time something small goes my way, something big pushes back

And though I have that quick shot of the sun, I'm still always feeling under attack

I guess it's true, what they say; exact opposites attract

And if that's a fact, I just want those skanks to get the hell back

So there I was, right, just chillin' in the lounge room

Watching a Filipino dude whuppin' Mexican ass at pool

When this pretty little thing strides over like she's all cool

"How's it goin'? My name's Rachel." She was so cute

So we talked for awhile before I walked her back to her room

And she told me, "We should hang out again real soon."

Well, this is a boring story, so I'll just cut to the case

She ditched me while we were in the middle of a date

As soon as she found a guy with a prettier face

And ran off to show him her brand new panties and lace

Thinking about it is just giving me chills

I'm starting to think that no one is real

It's like they have no idea of how anyone feels

Like the Twilight Zone, this shit is so surreal

So Rachel, I hope he gives it to you more

And Matt, I wish you luck with the fuckin' whore

Screw it, she'll prolly end up getting cloroformed

And ditched in the trunk of a nondescript four door

Shit, I guess I may have to take a world tour

Just to find someone I can stand, let alone fall for

This ones a slut, but that one is a huge bore

The only girl that came close left because she wanted more

I feel like the raven, and I'm always saying "Nevermore!"

So you know how every cloud has a silver lining

And good things will come if you just have good timing?

Bullshit, I say, because more and more I have been finding

The people who say that are selling something or just lying

I want to change my situation, really, I've been trying

To have more days end up without me crying

But when nothing goes right no matter how hard I've been prying

It looks hopeless, like there's no point in even trying. 
vnorm
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Tue Apr 13, 2010 12:44 pm

hey man. This was good, considering it must have been in a bit of a hurry. You have really solid ideas to put across and u just need to take a bit more time with them, maybe revise your poem a little bit more and change some words here and there. The rhymes also kinda tended to drown your poetic voice, like here;

[quote name="Spinflip"]Like I was about to be able to get back up on my feet

And get my shit straight, but come on, now, please

[/quote]

^^not very poetic, diction-wise.

Overall i liked the concept. Stick around AHH.

Peace.
Poetic Seraph
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Thu Jul 01, 2010 12:41 am

vnorm i agree, but I think this one was written especially to be performed. it has this spoken word flow to it. there were some funny elements in the story and even though it was kinda long, it read fluently, it doesn't get boring at no point. i like it :)
Couzifer
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Wed Sep 01, 2010 12:17 pm

lulz...yeah this piece is all lulz...i loled all thru'...I mean its got some mad funny elements in it like Seraph said.

The free mind feeling in it is great...its like you just let your thoughts ooze out...its more than a freestyle and it makes good of a spoken piece no doubt!
unheard voice
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Sun Sep 12, 2010 9:05 am

i like it... i agree with both seraph and couzifer you can really tell that its ment to be a spoken piece. but overall it is very entertaining and thats what seems count.
fikrah
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Fri Sep 17, 2010 10:34 am

fine...i like your style...
There's always something good coming coming just around the corner soon

I was gonna be drowning in the ocean, but be able to stick my head up

And get a glimpse of the sun and sky and be filled with hope,...
and then filled with hope...
Shit, I guess I may have to take a world tour

Just to find someone I can stand, let alone fall for
all i say is good luck...
So you know how every cloud has a silver lining

And good things will come if you just have good timing?


keep on walking, nice one bro!!!
brooks
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Sat Sep 18, 2010 4:46 pm

ok.... so u ended up writng wAt u wanted to write? or not!

anyways, nice flow to it. but i tot some lines there were sorta not poetic..

but good piece though... fikrah angazetu! lol :wink:
GodSon
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Fri Nov 05, 2010 4:34 am

:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
eizzy.k
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Mon Jan 17, 2011 4:18 pm

the anti climax of life and love...I know the feeling.
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