she got scaled feet in her heeled shoes
but she stands taller than the other shes
her steps are unpredictable and crooked
so she walks in the darkest hour un"looked"
she got a gold wig on her dandruffed head
but she always keeps it high on the lead
her thoughts are very sober but wicked
so she never thinks aloud and she's proud
she got beautiful contacts on her blind eyes
but she can easily see where your heart lies
her sight is limited in the day but sharp in the dark
so she keeps her eyes behind shades during the day
she got golden earrings on her waxy and hairy ears
but she can hear words even before they spoken
her hearing is limited to what she wants to hear
so she got one ear as the entry and the other exit
she got her wounded lips dripping with honey
but she easily whispers between lovely kisses
her words sweeter than her lips but deceiving
so she never speaks her mind and she's wild
she got bridal gloves on her clawed fingers
but she can hold hands and lead before you know
her touch is gentle but harmful to the flesh
so she lures by caressing and kills by tearing
she got skin disease covered with smooth velvet
but she maintains an incense scent on her skin
her body sexily figured but weak with sickness
so she holds on her drugs like crutches as she moves around
"Sugar Coated"
Moderator:Juma4admin
i aint replying your poem,
but i'm amazed by your creativity.
this is first poem that have made me think
but i'm amazed by your creativity.
this is first poem that have made me think
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love the methaphores and how u play with them. everytime i thought i figured out what or who u were talking about, the next line made me wonder if i really knew.
there's just one thing. u got stanza's rhyming at the end and stanzas that almost don't rhyme at all. i think u should stick to either rhyming or not rhyming. it kinda took away from the poem as i was reading it
there's just one thing. u got stanza's rhyming at the end and stanzas that almost don't rhyme at all. i think u should stick to either rhyming or not rhyming. it kinda took away from the poem as i was reading it
Thanks ICE MAN for u' feedback, highly appreciated.
Poetic Seraph, thanks so much for u' feedback too especially tha' positive critics,
Poetic Seraph, thanks so much for u' feedback too especially tha' positive critics,
you made me see that, I must admit n' I gon' work on it in future poems.u got stanza's rhyming at the end and stanzas that almost don't rhyme at all. i think u should stick to either rhyming or not rhyming. it kinda took away from the poem as i was reading it
you have somethin' there but its too confusing,got em thinking thou'
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The imagery is so surreal
Thanks sligh' for u feedback, highly appreciated.
[quote name="tish"]you have somethin' there but its too confusing,got em thinking thou'[/quote]mmmhn, its how evil engulfs itself in good, I think that will give you some light tish, thank you for the feedback.
[quote name="tish"]you have somethin' there but its too confusing,got em thinking thou'[/quote]mmmhn, its how evil engulfs itself in good, I think that will give you some light tish, thank you for the feedback.
I also agree with taking the poem away, as I was reading all I wanted to do was figure out what you were talking about. But this fckd my head up...gotta read such pieces in the morning or when the substance is messing with ones head, not after a long day... :lol:you made me see that, I must admit n' I gon' work on it in future poems.u got stanza's rhyming at the end and stanzas that almost don't rhyme at all. i think u should stick to either rhyming or not rhyming. it kinda took away from the poem as i was reading it
smart concept!
leaves u wid a bitter sweet taste like the name suggests!
also very tru, cuz i seen loads of women like this...
i like the use of contrast, u 1st describe her as;
yet, i feel pitty for her as well, because behind the facade she has put on, she is disgusting and monstrous!
i conclude that shes the way she is cause she's sick...AIDs??
Props...
leaves u wid a bitter sweet taste like the name suggests!
also very tru, cuz i seen loads of women like this...
i like the use of contrast, u 1st describe her as;
...makes her sound sexy, almost 2 be envied,heeled shoes, gold wig, beautiful contacts, golden earrings, lips dripping with honey, words sweeter than her lips, body sexily figured
In fact i admire her in the sense that shes struggling to survive, shes dying and sick and pityful but she still has her dignity, shes proud, hold her head up high, makes her self look gud, maybe to feel gud...it shows the strength of her spirit and soul.she stands taller than the other
yet, i feel pitty for her as well, because behind the facade she has put on, she is disgusting and monstrous!
Its these contrast that give the poem that bitter sweet feeling, its this Dr Jakel n Mr Hyde aspect about her that makes her sugar coated. You've portrayed this really well!scaled feet, unpredictable and crooked, dandruffed head, wicked, blind eyes, waxy and hairy ears, wounded lips, deceiving, clawed fingers, skin disease covered.
i conclude that shes the way she is cause she's sick...AIDs??
It would explain the way she behaives...most people with diseases like AIDs have this hatred 4 the world and often want to infect other people to, jus cause they feel its unfair that they got it, u kno?she holds on her drugs like crutches as she moves around"
Dope poem, very well written!she got bridal gloves on her clawed fingers
but she can hold hands and lead before you know
her touch is gentle but harmful to the flesh
so she lures by caressing and kills by tearing
Props...
[quote name="Poetic Seraph"]love the methaphores and how u play with them. everytime i thought i figured out what or who u were talking about, the next line made me wonder if i really knew.
there's just one thing. u got stanza's rhyming at the end and stanzas that almost don't rhyme at all. i think u should stick to either rhyming or not rhyming. it kinda took away from the poem as i was reading it[/quote]
I think he ment 4 u to feel that, feel like u knew her, figured her out with the heeled shoes, gold wig, buh u really had no idea about she's dying on the inside...I think the same goes for the rhyming, some stanzas rhyme 2 show how she may seem together, and others dont to show how she really not okay in the inside, the irregularity of it all reflects her and her life, how on the outside it's all gud n sexy n galm'd up buh on the inside shes dying, filled with bitterness, decite and hate...it reflects her conflicting nature...
there's just one thing. u got stanza's rhyming at the end and stanzas that almost don't rhyme at all. i think u should stick to either rhyming or not rhyming. it kinda took away from the poem as i was reading it[/quote]
I think he ment 4 u to feel that, feel like u knew her, figured her out with the heeled shoes, gold wig, buh u really had no idea about she's dying on the inside...I think the same goes for the rhyming, some stanzas rhyme 2 show how she may seem together, and others dont to show how she really not okay in the inside, the irregularity of it all reflects her and her life, how on the outside it's all gud n sexy n galm'd up buh on the inside shes dying, filled with bitterness, decite and hate...it reflects her conflicting nature...
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