"Sugar Coated"

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Couzifer
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Fri May 16, 2008 9:42 pm

she got scaled feet in her heeled shoes

but she stands taller than the other shes

her steps are unpredictable and crooked

so she walks in the darkest hour un"looked"

she got a gold wig on her dandruffed head

but she always keeps it high on the lead

her thoughts are very sober but wicked

so she never thinks aloud and she's proud

she got beautiful contacts on her blind eyes

but she can easily see where your heart lies

her sight is limited in the day but sharp in the dark

so she keeps her eyes behind shades during the day

she got golden earrings on her waxy and hairy ears

but she can hear words even before they spoken

her hearing is limited to what she wants to hear

so she got one ear as the entry and the other exit

she got her wounded lips dripping with honey

but she easily whispers between lovely kisses

her words sweeter than her lips but deceiving

so she never speaks her mind and she's wild

she got bridal gloves on her clawed fingers

but she can hold hands and lead before you know

her touch is gentle but harmful to the flesh

so she lures by caressing and kills by tearing

she got skin disease covered with smooth velvet

but she maintains an incense scent on her skin

her body sexily figured but weak with sickness

so she holds on her drugs like crutches as she moves around
ICE MAN
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Sat May 17, 2008 10:19 am

i aint replying your poem,

but i'm amazed by your creativity.

this is first poem that have made me think
Poetic Seraph
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Sat May 17, 2008 2:10 pm

love the methaphores and how u play with them. everytime i thought i figured out what or who u were talking about, the next line made me wonder if i really knew.

there's just one thing. u got stanza's rhyming at the end and stanzas that almost don't rhyme at all. i think u should stick to either rhyming or not rhyming. it kinda took away from the poem as i was reading it
Couzifer
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Sat May 17, 2008 6:42 pm

Thanks ICE MAN for u' feedback, highly appreciated.

Poetic Seraph, thanks so much for u' feedback too especially tha' positive critics,
u got stanza's rhyming at the end and stanzas that almost don't rhyme at all. i think u should stick to either rhyming or not rhyming. it kinda took away from the poem as i was reading it
you made me see that, I must admit n' I gon' work on it in future poems.
tish
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Sat May 17, 2008 6:59 pm

you have somethin' there but its too confusing,got em thinking thou'
Couzifer
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Wed May 21, 2008 9:35 am

Thanks sligh' for u feedback, highly appreciated.

[quote name="tish"]you have somethin' there but its too confusing,got em thinking thou'[/quote]mmmhn, its how evil engulfs itself in good, I think that will give you some light tish, thank you for the feedback.
TeeZeR
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Wed May 21, 2008 5:12 pm

u got stanza's rhyming at the end and stanzas that almost don't rhyme at all. i think u should stick to either rhyming or not rhyming. it kinda took away from the poem as i was reading it
you made me see that, I must admit n' I gon' work on it in future poems.
I also agree with taking the poem away, as I was reading all I wanted to do was figure out what you were talking about. But this fckd my head up...gotta read such pieces in the morning or when the substance is messing with ones head, not after a long day... :lol:
eizzy.k
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Thu May 22, 2008 10:47 am

smart concept!

leaves u wid a bitter sweet taste like the name suggests!

also very tru, cuz i seen loads of women like this...

i like the use of contrast, u 1st describe her as;
heeled shoes, gold wig, beautiful contacts, golden earrings, lips dripping with honey, words sweeter than her lips, body sexily figured
...makes her sound sexy, almost 2 be envied,
she stands taller than the other
In fact i admire her in the sense that shes struggling to survive, shes dying and sick and pityful but she still has her dignity, shes proud, hold her head up high, makes her self look gud, maybe to feel gud...it shows the strength of her spirit and soul.

yet, i feel pitty for her as well, because behind the facade she has put on, she is disgusting and monstrous!
scaled feet, unpredictable and crooked, dandruffed head, wicked, blind eyes, waxy and hairy ears, wounded lips, deceiving, clawed fingers, skin disease covered.
Its these contrast that give the poem that bitter sweet feeling, its this Dr Jakel n Mr Hyde aspect about her that makes her sugar coated. You've portrayed this really well!

i conclude that shes the way she is cause she's sick...AIDs??
she holds on her drugs like crutches as she moves around"
It would explain the way she behaives...most people with diseases like AIDs have this hatred 4 the world and often want to infect other people to, jus cause they feel its unfair that they got it, u kno?
she got bridal gloves on her clawed fingers

but she can hold hands and lead before you know

her touch is gentle but harmful to the flesh

so she lures by caressing and kills by tearing
Dope poem, very well written!

Props...
eizzy.k
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Thu May 22, 2008 11:00 am

[quote name="Poetic Seraph"]love the methaphores and how u play with them. everytime i thought i figured out what or who u were talking about, the next line made me wonder if i really knew.

there's just one thing. u got stanza's rhyming at the end and stanzas that almost don't rhyme at all. i think u should stick to either rhyming or not rhyming. it kinda took away from the poem as i was reading it[/quote]

I think he ment 4 u to feel that, feel like u knew her, figured her out with the heeled shoes, gold wig, buh u really had no idea about she's dying on the inside...I think the same goes for the rhyming, some stanzas rhyme 2 show how she may seem together, and others dont to show how she really not okay in the inside, the irregularity of it all reflects her and her life, how on the outside it's all gud n sexy n galm'd up buh on the inside shes dying, filled with bitterness, decite and hate...it reflects her conflicting nature...
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